Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Hey, Bert! Check out THESE Twins!

True story from the record store, last Saturday afternoon around 4:30 PM.

Three young ladies stumbled out of the Bulldog and into Treehouse Records. They were matching: blonde hair, orange spray-on tans, and too-small Minnesota Twins t-shirts accentuating their excessive boobs. And they were shitfaced.

Girl #1 walks into the store first and immediately spots our free poster bin. She grabs the biggest one she can find and slurs at me, "Can I buy this? How much is this?"

"Uh, the posters aren't really for sale. They're free with a purchase."

"I want to buy this. I'll give you a dollar for it!"

"Like I said, they're not really for sale."

As girl #3 interjects that they are going to the Twins game and are making a "Circle Me Bert" sign (for any of you unfamiliar with Twins telecasts, former Twins star and current color commentator Bert Blyleven likes to use his telestrator to "circle" fans at the game who bring gaudy signs requesting that he do so), girl #2 decides it's time to bargain with me.

"I'll give you 20 cents for this poster!"

She was clearly not the brightest bulb, especially in her current stumbly state, so I thought I would help her out a little.

"You know, that's not really the way bargaining is supposed to work... your friend just offered me a dollar for it. Shouldn't you be raising the offer instead of lowering it?"

She clearly did not hear, comprehend or care what my reply was, though, because before I could even finish me point she made another offer.

"10 cents! I'll give you 10 cents for it!"

I had no idea where this was going, and these women were really starting not only get on my nerves but on the nerves of the five or six real customers in the store at the time. All I could do was offer a stunned, inquisitive stare. It was then that she decided to throw a changeup into her negotiating tactics.

"I'll show you my tits."


"If you give us this poster, I'll show you my tits!"

"No, that's okay."

"You don't want to see my tits?"

"No, sorry."

"Oh my god! I can't believe you don't want to see my tits!"


Girl #3 has a counter offer: "Do you want to see a picture of her tits?"

"No, really, it's okay..."

But before I could finish, a cell phone was shoved in my face, with a camera phone picture of a bare chest. Two massive boobs, presumably Girl #2's.

"Uh... that's great." What else could I say?

Girl #1, the original instigator, pipes in again. "We're really annoying you, aren't we?"


To her friends, "Oh my god, he hates us!"

"No, I don't hate anyone... here, I'll tell you what... you can have the poster."

They thanked me, I offered them a marker to make their sign, and they scribbled on it:

"Hey Bert! Check out THESE Twins!"


At 9:24 PM, Blogger Franklin said...

That's a great Twin's story.
And they're kickin some white sox right now!

At 8:20 PM, Blogger Emily said...

I'll give you a nickel for that poster.


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